Just because he was introduced to you by your pastor does not make him a husband material
Even pastors are getting divorced.
And we sometimes feel “men of God’ are the best persons to introduce our spouse to us and because of that we shut our minds to the red flags that pops up during dating and courting.
i am not demeaning the place of spiritual mentorship and guidance in marriage but I am only trying to make you think deeper, I found out from the Holy Book that “he that find a wife finds a good thing and obtain favor from the Lord and after reading another section of the Bible I also discovered where it says “a man shall leave his mother and his father and shall go cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh” at a point I was wondering why it did not say “he that a pastor finds a wife for has found a good thing and shall obtain favor from the Lord” this got me thinking and I realized of a truth no pastor can make a man cleave to his wife , he has to decide to cleave on his own accord, the cleaving is a personal decision and every man must make that decision.
Sometimes we get too religious about marriage issue and we become blind to the reality of marriage, I have come to discover that marriage fulfillment is largely controlled by the flesh.
I have seen highly spiritual men saying something like this “my wife is no longer sexy”, I wish she can look like some of the sweet packaged girls I see every day” so highly spiritual men still see sweet packaged girls on the street? And he went further to say, “It’s like I married too early, can you see the kind of well packaged girls in the church these days?” well, what well packaged means I don’t know.
A lady told me this “before I married him, I was financially better than I am today” don’t let that be your story.
Anyway, what I intended to talk about today is my 7 fundamental questions I will want you to ask before you say I do to that handsome, six packed, rich and dark guy. It’s like most women wants a dark guy, am glad I am dark.
The 7 fundamental questions are simple, easy but highly overlooked because of the excitement of romance.
What is your aspiration and visions?
A lion being led by a sheep is a sheep.
It’s always difficult for you to be more effective beyond the effectiveness of your leader, if you are married and your husband who is the leader of the home is not aspiring for anything and he is just okay with the way things are, I can assure you that your chance of getting higher is limited, and if you try to cast a vision for the home and for him, you might be termed a rebellious wife and an over ambitious woman, but the truth be told, women will always want to help because they are designed as help meet for the men.
Ladies, know where the guy is going, ask for his vision and dreams and see if you fit in or not and if you don’t, kindly and gladly take a stroll because the pains of a broken engagement is lighter compare to that of a divorce. I am yet to see a happy after divorce.
What is your faith and believe system?
I don’t trust a man without a form of faith, when I talk to a man and he tells me he does not believe in any faith, I am always skeptical about him. Every man you see in life that has made a form of success always have a faith or believe system, it could be, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, etc
Religion cannot be reduced to affiliation. That’s especially true today, when religion has become complicated for people.
How will you feel if after marriage all kinds of faith prayer takes place in your home? Your husband comes back and tell you, “today we have to pray naked at 2am and we must take a knife and put in between the bible” and two days later he says “we have to take a portion of the Quran and burn it, mix with water and drink?
Two can only walk except they believe in the same faith, a wise woman walking with a foolish man will end up a fool or a divorced and or suicidal woman. Only a fool says there is no God.
Ask something like this:
• Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?
• Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?
• Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?
• How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?
• How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?
What is your current financial position?
A man that can’t provide for his family is worse than an infidel.
When a man is asking for your hand in marriage, he should be able to show you some financial assurance and stability.
Money is a loaded topic. Many couples stop talking at the point of “how much,” assuming the rest will take care of itself. But questions about money will infuse themselves into every area of your life and show up on a daily basis. These are a few questions you should ask:
• What is your annual income?
• Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts?
• Do you have significant debts?
• Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
• How important is it for you to make a lot of money?
• Do you have dependent like brothers, cousins and family member?
Don’t let him sell “sweet nothing” stories to you that he is expecting, I am not saying a woman should not date or marry a man that is not super rich, I am only saying, let him show you the blue print he has to the “sweet nothing” land he is telling about, if they are real enough then you can make objective decision.
Be realistic and objective and don’t forget that romance without finance sometimes can be nuisance.
What is your current work and job position?
We live in a world where status and position are very much talked about. It’s an extremely status-oriented society, with emphasis placed on marrying a person with the “right” professional identity. How often have you heard people brag about a partner, saying, “He’s a doctor” or “She’s a model,” as if status alone were enough to guarantee a good relationship? Unfortunately, you don’t hear people bragging, “He’s a primary school teacher” or “She’s a fuel attendant.” This is the challenge when we focus on status, we destroy any chance to live an authentic life with a partner who shares our values. Some paramount questions must be asked and answered:
• Are you working in your chosen profession?
• How many hours a week do you work?
• What is your dream job?
• What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
• What does your job entail? (How often do you travel out of your station on business trip, does your job expose you to dangerous or cancerous chemicals?)
Are you sexually attracted to me?
“In the confines of marriage, the waist and the lower part are the most important part of a woman’s body”
I know some of you will be uncomfortable now, but even if you are I will still say what’s on my mind.
Men and women have different issues with owning their sexuality. For men, it is denying the significance of sex and not seeing the sacredness in the act. For women, it is more often ignorance and shame, not giving themselves permission to know what they need and then matching it with their behavior. In a conversation about your sexual expectations and fears, be sure to respect each others boundaries. Your goal in asking these questions is not to pry into every detail of sexual history, but to open a conversation about the most intimate aspect of your relationship.
• Are there specific sexual acts that makes you uncomfortable? Be specific!
• Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?
• What turns you on sexually?
• How often do you need or expect sex?
• Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?
What is your strategic parenting program?
“I was a wonderful parent before I had children.”
― Adele Faber
Don’t assume every man wants children or every man wants to be a parent. Having children is also for grown-ups, and there are all too many “adult” couples bringing children into marriages where the foundation is shaky on a good day. Being a mature adult involves recognizing that much of what you re-create in your marriage and as parents has to do with unresolved issues with your own parents and family.
• Do you want children? When? How many? Do you have a medical report of your inability to have children?
• Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?
• How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?
• Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time outs, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?
• Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct?
What is your health history and condition?
“A healthy outside starts from the inside”
Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to ask him if he is healthy enough to be the man at home, ask him for the health history of his family, do you want a man that will just be ceremonial husband and can’t make you feel like a woman in bed simply because he has an undisclosed health condition? Or you want a man that will be going in and out of hospital few days after the wedding and ends up consuming all the financial savings you brought into the marriage?
Don’t hesitate to ask him some of this:
• What is your HIV status?
• Have you contracted any STD in the past?
• What is your genotype and blood group?
• Is there an history of any sickness in your family? E.g. high blood pressure, stroke, diabetes, mental illness etc.
These are just my humble thoughts, nobody has the monopoly to knowledge, I am waiting to read your Question 8, get down to the comment section and add yours, who knows, it might make up part of my book on this topic and I promise you, I will always mention the source of the information, I will mention you, i respect the copyright law.
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You can call me on 08064687133 or send me an Email on firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.
My name is Femi Adetayo and who told you it’s too late?